Over Chinese New Year, I presented my late grandmother’s old kebaya to my 11-year-old niece. It was a precious piece my late mother had lovingly set aside. I found it among my mother’s things and it brought back memories of Grandmother in her kebaya when I was a little girl.
My niece remembers her grandmother affectionately but she had never met her great grandmother. As I handed the embroidered piece to her, now four generations old, I shared with her how the Nonya women in our family used to dress up in their sarong kebaya on special occasions. Afterwards she stroked the piece of clothing gently before shyly putting it on. The understanding she received of the past gave some meaning to that old, worn piece of clothing.
Indeed, understanding the past helps make sense of the present. Historians know this. And the same is true of the healing journey. Our relationship with our early caregivers, relational patterns in our families of origin, the environment we grew up in, childhood experiences – these impact our thinking, feeling and behavior. They remain in our subconscious even if we don’t recall much of it. They shape our worldview, perception and relational interactions with others. Family history provides important pieces to the puzzle.
And where these past experiences have been stressful or traumatic, the body remembers. The nervous system remembers the fear experienced in the past, when triggered by something which reminds it. That’s why the term “touching a raw nerve” is so apt. Some times we may wonder why we seem to “over-react” to certain situations, why certain people seem to always provoke in us unpleasant emotional responses, or why we seem stuck in a particular relational pattern. Perhaps we won’t feel so bad about ourselves when we realize it might be our nervous system’s response. Perhaps it might help us be more compassionate towards ourselves.
If we begin to understand our history, perhaps it could help us make sense of some of the ways we think, feel, react and behave. Perhaps we can begin to hope for change. And then perhaps we can heal and move forward.
If you’d like to gain a better understanding of how your past plays a role in your present functioning, behavior, emotions and relationships, do get in touch to schedule an appointment here.